Mon, 10 Jul 2006 10:48:07 GMT

Bloody hell. It's been over a year since I updated this. I don't really write fic anymore. I still write a lot, but it's more for myself. Maybe I should get back in the habit of sharing, not that anyone reads this anymore.

Anyway, anyone who knows me will know Doctor Who has taken over my mind in a big way. And 'Doomsday' absolutely killed me. This seemed a way of exorcising some angst demons. It's short and contains spoilers for the Series Finale...

Perhaps that’s why he never let himself say them usually. Do goodbyes always feel like a bodyshock? It’s not that he never cared; it just hurt him less to run as fast as he could and pretend to himself that he didn’t need a goodbye.

But Rose was different. Always was. He knew she’d be looked after. Mickey had really grown up, and would always try to stop her hurting. She was with her Mum, she even had her Dad. She’d always wanted that. But if he knew Rose, he knew she’d be restless. He knew she’d miss him. The thought of her in pain on the other side of a wall he could never bring down hurt him more than he thought he could ever hurt after such a long life of losing people.

And there was a way...but was it fair? If he called her would she come? He thought if he called her she would always come, wherever he called her to, however dark it was there, however hard: she would follow his voice.

Which is why he shouldn’t, he thought. No one can move on when the voice they dream about won’t ever stop calling them.

But it was no good, he couldn’t carry on unless he said it. Words he never liked to say, never liking to admit that things end. But for Rose, as he would tell her, there he was, burning up a sun just to say goodbye.

Seconds melting away...Not being able to take her hand as he had so many times without even thinking. Just an image. And she’s beautiful, and there in the distance are people that love her. She’ll be OK. And she tells him she loves him, and he’s always known it, known he felt the same, but always too wrapped up in grand gestures and adventures to let her know. In believing she knew, he was ignoring what it felt like to hear someone say it. So he begins, drawing it out, wanting to do it right, and then...she’s gone.

And he’s alone.

And he’ll never get to tell her because of one last grand gesture. His need to make something so simple so much harder. The words die on his lips as he stands alone again. And now he’ll never say it. She Knows...

He always knew she’d carry on saving the world.

It just wouldn’t be his anymore. But by saying ‘I love you’ she’d saved the world for him one last time. And his two hearts ached in unison because he hadn’t been able to do the same for her. His Rose. Beautiful and Bruised, but not broken. Never broken.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

As a footnote, these are some of the lyrics from the song I was listening to whilst rattling this out. It’s not a song fic, although I pinched the song title. But these did influence some of the things I wrote to a point, as they seemed quite fitting to the mood of the goodbye they didn’t quite get to have properly…

There’s so much sun where I’m from
I had to give it away
I had to give you away
….
Sometimes perfection can be
It can be perfect hell
Perfect

Hours pass
And she still counts the minutes
That I am not there
I swear I didn’t mean for it to feel like this
Like every inch of me is bruised

Wed, 21 Jul 2004 22:40:04 GMT

the fic journal for stolenokisses comment to be added

daisy chains and schoolyard games